Forgetting Does Not Work
Just forgetting what happened will not give you peace.
When something wrong happens, when someone hurts you, people often say, “Just forget it and move on.” And yes, there are ways to distract ourselves and push memories aside by keeping busy.
But how often does forgetting actually work?
When the rush of life settles, when things become quiet, when a pause appears, those memories return. And with them, the bitterness returns too.
Forgetting by suppressing or ignoring emotions is not the real way out.
Understanding as the Only Real Way Out
The only real way out is understanding.
Not the kind that accepts or encourages harm, not the one that asks you to tolerate abuse – but the kind that frees the mind from being trapped inside it.
Understanding that nothing is permanent. Understanding that life includes mistakes, accidents, and conflicts along with all other good things – just as light and darkness both exist.
Unexpected things happen that seem wrong to us, but nature has its own ways of shaping us. Every challenge quietly pushes us toward qualities we are meant to grow into. It softens us into compassion, strengthens us with courage, makes us wiser, more honest and more aware of how we speak, act and respond.
Detachment and Contentment
Slowly, life also teaches us detachment. Not the cold kind, but the clear kind.
The kind where we stop clinging to how things should have been and start accepting how things are.
Detachment gives us the space to breathe again. It protects the mind from drowning in unnecessary emotional reactions. It helps us step back, see situations with more maturity, and respond instead of react.
And with this detachment comes contentment. A calm inner state where we stop fighting with life and begin to rest in it.
Contentment does not mean giving up ambition or stopping growth. It simply means we stop resisting the present moment. We stop expecting life to match our expectations and cravings. We stop being disappointed when people don’t accept us, when people are not the way we hoped for, when things don’t happen the way we wished for.
Instead, we cultivate inner stability, giving us the calm certainty that we are equipped to process and navigate whatever challenges life presents, and the grace to see that every experience is a lesson, gently showing us the way and offering profound wisdom.
A Yogic Lens: The Yamas and Niyamas
In spiritual traditions, especially in the ancient Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, these qualities are described through the yamas and niyamas. These are universal foundations for living with clarity, balance and inner strength.
The Yamas (How We Relate to the World)
Ethical values that guide how we act:
- Ahimsa – non-harming in thoughts, words and actions.
- Satya – truthfulness and being honest with ourselves and others.
- Asteya – non-stealing and not taking what has not been freely given.
- Brahmacharya – wise use of energy and moderation.
- Aparigraha – non-possessiveness and freedom from unnecessary clinging.
The Niyamas (How We Shape Our Inner World)
Inner practices that shape our character:
- Saucha – purity and keeping the mind and surroundings clean.
- Santosha – contentment and staying steady in the present moment.
- Tapas – disciplined effort that strengthens and purifies us.
- Svadhyaya – self-study and understanding our own patterns.
- Ishvara pranidhana – surrender or trust in a higher intelligence or the natural flow of life.
These are not abstract ideas. They are practical tools we can use when we are hurt, angry, or disappointed.
When Hurt Turns Into Revenge
When something hurts us, the mind wants to hold on. It wants to remember every detail, every word, every slight. Sometimes it goes deeper. It waits for a moment to strike back.
Because you did this, I will do this.
Because you hurt me, I will teach you a lesson.
But when you look at this through a spiritual lens, revenge has no purpose. Revenge cannot undo the past or heal what has already happened. What has occurred is already woven into time, and no amount of reacting can change it.
How Revenge Damages You, Not Them
Instead, revenge damages you.
It disturbs the brain, tightens the nerves, drains your energy and steals your clarity. It reduces your efficiency in the rest of your life. It fills the inner space with heat when what you actually need is light.
Peace is not weakness. Peace is protection.
Understanding as Spiritual Strength
Spiritual strength comes from understanding:
- Understanding that nothing is permanent.
- Understanding that everyone is learning at their own pace.
- Understanding that mistakes, conflicts, and accidents are woven into the human journey.
If accidents were intentional, they would not be called accidents.
Understanding does not mean you deny your pain. It means you stop letting pain decide who you become.
My Story of Hurt and Liberation
I went through a painful conflict myself – one that left me shocked, disrespected and deeply hurt. For days I struggled to digest what happened, but eventually I stopped forcing the relationship, let go of expectations and accepted that everything in life is impermanent.
The pain was driven by specific words of judgment and dismissal from my friend, which did not just hurt, but shattered my sense of dignity. Her harshness made me feel fundamentally inadequate, as if I had been completely dismissed and stripped of all value.
I was not given a chance to be heard, to explain my desire to change, or to feel that I was someone with feelings; she could not even hear my cry. When I was most vulnerable, she simply turned away – a devastating action that shook my soul.
For weeks, that judgment and treatment haunted me, powerfully confirming my deepest fears: that I was unlovable and fundamentally flawed. The pain was sharp, not just from the loss of the friendship, but from the feeling that I had been fundamentally abandoned.
It took time to understand that – her words came from her own limitations and not from any truth about me. But in that moment, it hurt deeply and left a scar I had to heal from within.
For a while, I began losing faith in all good things. I did not want attachments. I did not want care from anyone. I felt out of place, as if I did not belong in this cold world. I cried to go home, although I did not even know what or where that home was. I prayed for help.
I did not like what I was becoming. I felt I was turning cold, adopting the very coldness that had caused me so much pain. I convinced myself that this was the only way to survive in this world until the day I die, and that maybe death would free me from this heaviness.
But the compassion within me did not let me become that person.
A gentle voice inside kept asking me to see what life was showing me: Impermanence. Everyone is struggling. Everyone is learning. Everyone needs space. Everyone makes mistakes.
I had to accept that people change – their minds, their priorities, and their wishes shift. I realized I did not want to keep someone in my life who was unhappy being connected with me. Relationships should not feel like a jail where someone is seeking to be released.
I also surrendered the need to be ‘big’ in anyone’s life. I accepted being small – just a tiny speck in this vast universe, which is the truth of what I am anyway.
From this space of humility, I felt that people should just be happy. They need the space to be who they wish to be, and simply do what they want to do.
Why was I not giving them that same chance?
Slowly compassion and forgiveness took over.
The meditations I was doing strengthened these qualities inside me. My master’s teachings settled deeply in my heart. I turned inward for the unconditional love and care I had been seeking all my life. And for the first time, I felt I found it – not outside, but within me.
This was a life-changing event. It felt like a rebirth because I dropped many things and acquired many new qualities. I was transformed into a new person.
After losing what I wanted and being hurt in ways I could not put into words, something new was born inside me – a deeper me, a freer me. I realized that only out of deeper pain comes deeper wisdom.
Not wanting love or care from others was the real freedom, allowing me to fully accept people as they are, without judging them as simply good or bad. I felt overwhelming gratitude for my friend, recognizing the profound significance of the event as a lesson gracefully placed in my life so that I could grow. The hurt inside was completely gone.
Seeing Meaning in Every Experience
I also understood something very important.
If I had kept remembering the hurt without trying to understand the people who hurt me, without seeing the bigger picture of life, without recognizing the wisdom life was trying to shower upon me, I would have stayed stuck.
Everything in life has significance. From a spiritual lens, nothing is random.
The path you choose on your morning walk, the shopkeeper who assists you, the discussion you have with a colleague, the squirrel that greets you in the morning, the clouds you notice in the evening, every small moment you see or experience arrives with a quiet message.
Life is always speaking. Life is always guiding.
When we look deeper, we realize that even painful events are part of this guidance, gently pushing us toward wisdom, humility, compassion, and growth.
The Freedom of Forgiveness
When you deal with conflict through understanding, your heart opens. Compassion becomes natural. You give others space to grow, to learn, to correct themselves in their own time. You stop expecting perfection from anyone.
Forgiveness becomes less about letting someone else off the hook and more about freeing your own mind. Acceptance becomes the protection of your own peace.
When we look at the bigger picture of life, we realize that there is ultimately nothing to forgive, because things are happening exactly as they were meant to – for the sake of our collective and individual growth. When we see this higher order, why should we feel so proud of being ‘right’ and why would we expect apologies from others?
Life does not ask you to carry the weight of every wound. It asks you to let go so you can walk freely.
This is how inner clarity returns.
This is how your spirit rises again.
What to Do When Someone Hates You or Causes You Pain
- Step back, not to escape but to see clearly
Give yourself a little physical or emotional distance. A few quiet minutes can break the cycle of immediate reaction.
This is detachment in action.
2. Remind yourself: their behavior is about them, not you
People act from their wounds, fears, insecurities and past conditioning.
Knowing this removes at least half the emotional sting.
This is satya and svadhyaya working together.
3. Respond, don’t react
Wait for the body and mind to settle before replying.
A calm response protects your energy and dignity.
This is brahmacharya and tapas in daily life.
4. Do not feed the mind with stories
When the mind starts replaying the hurt, pause.
Gently bring your awareness back to the present moment.
You are practicing saucha, mental purity.
5. Let go of expectations
Do not expect them to apologize, change, understand or behave better immediately.
Detachment reduces disappointment.
This is aparigraha, non-clinging.
6. Keep your side clean
Stay honest, kind, fair and truthful in your own behavior.
You cannot control their actions, but you can control your own integrity.
This honors ahimsa and satya.
7. Create boundaries without anger
Forgiveness does not mean tolerating abuse.
Boundaries made from clarity are stronger than boundaries made from rage.
This is strength with compassion.
8. Let life teach them instead of you trying to punish them
You do not need to teach them a lesson.
Life, karma and their own patterns will do that far more effectively.
This is Ishvara pranidhana, trust in higher intelligence.
9. Focus on your growth, not their downfall
Put your attention back on your own peace, health, work and evolution.
Where you place your mind decides your future.
This is santosha and tapas blended.
10. Forgive for your freedom, not theirs
Forgiveness is not approval.
It is a conscious decision to stop drinking the poison someone else created.
This is true ahimsa toward yourself.
You rise the moment you stop letting someone else’s actions decide your peace. The moment you stop replaying the pain, healing begins.
Author’s Note:
I shared this because pain became my teacher, and wisdom became its gift. I know how lonely emotional pain can feel, and if this reflection brings even one person a small window of clarity, strength or peace, then every word I wrote has found a meaning beyond myself.
Synthesis 
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